It seems ironic to start a blog about how my uninspired psyche has left me fulfilled although there is an enormous urge within me to paint, write poetry, create masterpieces and sew my designs (which I cant even get on paper in the first place). I cant seem to understand it. I am happy with my blessed life (alhamdulillah), work is great, married life is sweet but then when it comes to the creativity that has defined me for so long, it seems like its suppressed… I will look into a blank paper for hours with it in my lap hovering a pencil, paint brush etc. unable to stroke the paper. Its not that I am scared (at least I think I’m not), I think I feel that every attempt at creativity has to be perfect. It seems like I cannot allow myself to start something without knowing what the end result will be, hence why I have so many unfinished pieces of work that crave my attention yet I seek to move on to the next even although I cannot find it within me to do so. Dilemma indeed. I know, it is easy enough to say,
“Just finish the one you started earlier”
I am unable to do so, its not that I “can’t” or that I don’t want to! The ability to do so surpasses me and then it consumes me. Oh how do I solve this quadrum?!
My mind frazzles, when I think about all I have been able to gratefully achieve in the past three years since my creative block began, I think about what the causes could have been. Was is the that my ability to create was a gift on loan and its now been taken back? Or that I was given a break to allow me to achieve what I needed to get to where I am? Or perhaps its something else? But what??
Living in London, holding down a full time demanding and amazing job, being a wife to a loving and ever so supportive husband, I must admit that I lack the energy to spend time to do what others find time for. I get so tired of the daily grind, the back and forth on the underground (which I both love and hate, a blog about that to come soon!), the constant pressure from forces outside which pull you to a constant state of numbness that encourages you to buy this, wear that, look like her, speak like them, believe us, hate those, DON’T THINK FOR YOURSELF!
Feeling constantly washed with all sorts of everything pulling me all sorts of everywhere, I must admit that my mind has become weak and susceptible to “them”, you know who I’m talking about, if you don’t then spend time meditating and try to listen to yourself, your true self. I did this, I started listening to myself over three years ago, actually around the time that my creativity fizzled out. Funny that, I wonder what bought that on? I guess I began to notice the cracks in society, I would have been 23 years old when it became apparent that I didn’t “fit in” to the format that society had generated for me and I guess I felt responsible for seeing this therefore I had a duty of care to make sure that something was done to fix this, three years on and I still can’t work out how I can make a difference, worse yet I cant even express it in the art that I love! It is a torment that troubles me in my sleep, and before I go to bed as my eyes close and I have flashes of inspiration apparate infront of my lids! Many a night I kept a note pad under my pillow to find that when I opened my eyes, the inspiration evaporated and like sand in my fingers slips through the space between my pen and paper….
They say that a creative idea floats on the wind and catches you as explained brilliantly by Elizabeth Gilbert in her insightful TED Talk where she explains how she felt after writing the smash hit Eat Pray Love. I feel that a creative idea is caught on a leaf in the wind which falls upon you, if you catch it then awesome but if not then that idea vanishes into the abyss much like Ruth Stone‘s explanation about this thundering wind. Although Elizabeth explains this wonderful theory of the ability to disconnect creativity to a being into a “psychophysical construct”. This idea worries me, I am not too comfortable with the idea of having this “being” around me like a jinn or ghost (I wouldn’t be able to sleep in the dark again!). I do think that creativity is a part of ones self and like a light bulb it fizzles out, perhaps I burnt it out or like a solar lamp I didn’t wind it up enough for it to shine?!
I hope that by beginning this blog, I will be able to refuse this bulb of inspiration and creativity again or maybe not, maybe metamorphosis will take place and this creativity will transform into me being a mathematical genius (ha)!
Thanks for reading! If you have any advice for me and others experiencing creative blocks, please share!